“Put a smile on your face!” “You better be on your best behaviour!” “Why can’t you be more like ...!” “Oh, grow up!” “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Unfortunately, these are words too many children have heard coming from the mouths of many well intentioned but misinformed parents. Ah, yes – I too have succumb to the occasional unthinkable blurt.
I spent some time with my eldest son today. I must have caught him on a bad morning because he was pretty cranky. As I noticed how I was affected by his mood, I was quickly brought back to not all that many years ago when I had the same disposition on a regular basis. I had to fight the urge to tell him to put a smile on or be on his best behaviour. In my own discomfort, I tried to smile my way through it.
I was fake. I didn’t want to make things worse for him. There was obviously something bothering him. I wanted to say something, anything, to change his mind up but nothing really worked. I didn’t want to aggravate the situation for him, so I put my old familiar face on. The cooperative one. The happy face. The face that doesn’t like conflict. The face that doesn’t know how to handle someone else’s unhappiness, because I feel the need to “make” them happy.
It dawned on me that I hadn’t worn that face in a very long time. By the time I got home I was exhausted from the 1 hour experience. It’s physically and emotionally exhausting trying to be someone you’re not.
The real me is sensitive. I’m not wonder woman and I don’t want to be; it takes to much energy. I don’t want to wear a mask or pretend I’m stronger than I am. I cry. I hurt. I worry. I feel. I love. I get angry. I have good habits and bad habits. I’m loving and I’m weird. I’m honest even when it hurts – most of the time – except when I’m not being the real me.
Are you always true to yourself? What mask do you wear?
