When I look back upon my life and the mistakes I made – those that had tremendous impact on the future that was yet to be – I see clearly now that I had no peripheral vision. I thought I knew it all; I thought I could see the big picture.
I quit school and ran away from home when I was sixteen. My vision told me that whatever situations I would face in the future couldn’t possibly be as bad as what I was going through at that time. Wondering where you’re going to sleep at night or when your next meal will be are not questions that anyone – especially a young person – should have to entertain. There were secrets I was trained to keep – to hide. Reaching out for help was just not part of the equation.
I learned how to build walls; I learned how to avoid detection – flying under the radar so I wouldn’t be noticed. People who don’t get noticed don’t get hurt. I also learned how to take care of myself, how to survive. When I built those walls I did so to not only keep people out, but to keep God out. I couldn’t believe that a loving God would have allowed a child to have suffered and lived through some of the things I had.
They say that we soften with age. I turned 50 last week. Age does not soften people who live inside fortresses. Wisdom is what softens the heart and soul and it’s not the wisdom that comes with the experiences of life. True wisdom is imparted by the Spirit of God with which He also gives understanding.
Today, when I look back throughout those many years, I can honestly say that these were the years that prepared me for the future. Understand that those walls I built were constructed for protection. My lack of vision and understanding caused undue hardship. But God is so good: while I was building walls, He was installing doors all around my fortress, giving me an easy way out. I just couldn’t see the big picture. I wouldn’t allow myself to recognize that there were door knobs surrounding me.
When I finally came to the end of myself and realized that I was surviving but not living, it was then – through my tears and desperation – that I began to see that there was a way out of the prison I had locked myself into. People have asked me why wouldn’t God put the knobs on the outside and just come in and rescue me. The answer is so simple. God doesn’t bust through walls. He’s a gentleman; He waits for an invitation. He made a way out for me and I chose to remain inside.
God saw the big picture. While I could only see what was directly under my nose – He saw what He would be able to do with me – with my life. God waited for me to want a way out; it was only then that I actually began to see all the door knobs He had placed there. Today I don’t merely survive; today I thrive.
“‘Can a man hide himself in secret places so that I cannot see him?’ declares the LORD. ‘Do I not fill heaven and earth?’ declares the Lord.” Jeremiah 23:24 ESV.
