I . . . Care

Passive-aggressive is a term that described me well back in the day . . . that day seems like only yesterday and there’s a good reason for that.

The other day someone was talking to me about their past. He said, “I sure am glad I’m not who I used to be, aren’t you?” Are you kidding me? There’s no doubt that I’m glad I am not who I used to be, but here’s where yesterday fits into the equation.

People who hurt much often let offenses stew inside until it bubbles up into anger. While they stew, others can only see a fraction of who they are and how they really feel . . . until one day . . . the zingers begin to be displayed as passive-aggressive behaviour. Once that lid comes off the pot people are best to take cover.

While I was undergoing rehabilitation for drug and alcohol abuse, I learned to recognize what that lid was; my aggressive behaviour always began with the words, “I don’t care.” Once those words left my tongue every following word was venomous. Yesterday, I realized that there’s still a bit of healing left for God to work in me. While my passive-aggressive behaviour has much improved, and I rarely speak those words, there are times that I think them – yesterday was one of those days.

Usually, when a hurt/angry person says they don’t care, they do care. Lashing out is not an excuse for that kind of behaviour. I always knew what I was doing; I simply never really understood why I was doing it or how to stop. People don’t enjoy being hurt. People don’t really enjoy hurting others. I’ve never heard of anyone who enjoys being angry.

If I say, “I don’t care,” what I really mean is, “I . . . do . . . care; please don’t give up on me; please don’t abandon me; please help me stop hurting you and myself. I need to be loved.”

“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Rom. 7:21-25 NIV.