Unveiling Hope

I . . . Care

Passive-aggressive is a term that described me well back in the day . . . that day seems like only yesterday and there’s a good reason for that.

The other day someone was talking to me about their past. He said, “I sure am glad I’m not who I used to be, aren’t you?” Are you kidding me? There’s no doubt that I’m glad I am not who I used to be, but here’s where yesterday fits into the equation.

People who hurt much often let offenses stew inside until it bubbles up into anger. While they stew, others can only see a fraction of who they are and how they really feel . . . until one day . . . the zingers begin to be displayed as passive-aggressive behaviour. Once that lid comes off the pot people are best to take cover.

While I was undergoing rehabilitation for drug and alcohol abuse, I learned to recognize what that lid was; my aggressive behaviour always began with the words, “I don’t care.” Once those words left my tongue every following word was venomous. Yesterday, I realized that there’s still a bit of healing left for God to work in me. While my passive-aggressive behaviour has much improved, and I rarely speak those words, there are times that I think them – yesterday was one of those days.

Usually, when a hurt/angry person says they don’t care, they do care. Lashing out is not an excuse for that kind of behaviour. I always knew what I was doing; I simply never really understood why I was doing it or how to stop. People don’t enjoy being hurt. People don’t really enjoy hurting others. I’ve never heard of anyone who enjoys being angry.

If I say, “I don’t care,” what I really mean is, “I . . . do . . . care; please don’t give up on me; please don’t abandon me; please help me stop hurting you and myself. I need to be loved.”

“So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Rom. 7:21-25 NIV.

HALT!

H.A.L.T. is an acronym I learned in rehab. It stands for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired.” People in recovery are often taught that these four roots are the major causes of relapse. It’s been my experience that these roots are not limited to causing problems for people in recovery.

My biggest cause for concern was always anger. Growing up we were permitted to display only one emotion: happiness. Our happiness was to be demonstrated and not heard. As a result of formidable instruction in this area, the recognition and identification of other emotions became quite difficult.

If I saw someone smile at me, I could relax. A loud voice, I’m not talking about yelling, could induce visceral feelings of fear in me – that’s about as far as I could discern. The fear was: what’s coming next?

My mission in life became pleasing people, “making” them happy – because happy was something I could identify and feel safe with. Not long after rehab, with no more chemicals to numb and subdue my emotions, I began to have these strange and perplexing emotions. One in particular can be described this way: increased respiratory function; increase in blood pressure, tightness across chest, nausea accompanied with bodily tremors – particularly in the gastro-intestinal area. My doctor diagnosed this as ‘anger’. Wow! That’s pretty powerful. How do you get rid of it? “Report, respond, release, reconcile where possible.” Hmm. Sounds complicated and difficult.

After rehab, it didn’t take me long to realize that there was a lot of ‘stuff’ that gave birth to anger inside me. I did not like the physical or emotional symptoms. Quite frankly, it took me almost ten years of sobriety before I got a handle on this beast – and honestly – it had nothing to do with sobriety. I was able to let go of anger, as it came up, when I surrendered my life to Jesus.

Ephesians 4: 26-27 says this: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” That really struck me as odd that Paul would write, “be angry.” What he was conveying was God’s message: go ahead and feel, but feel without sinning. Deal with it immediately. Don’t go to bed stewing. Don’t lose sleep because of it. Don’t wake up with it. The enemy is waiting and watching to see whether if you’re going to walk in love, or if he can induce you to sin.

If anyone ever had a reason to be angry it was Jesus. From the cross He gazed upon all those whose ignorance put Him there. Yes, it was His choice to accept it but He did it out of love. Jesus asked His Father to forgive them. 

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32.

The New Math

Peter asked Jesus how many times he was expected to forgive – his suggestion was seven. Jesus corrected him with the new math, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven,” Matt. 18:22.

Forgiveness is a choice, just like love is a choice. Neither are easy, but both are necessary to live a fruitful life. Much like reconciling my cheque book, too often I find that just when I thought I’ve completely forgiven someone – there remains yet another layer – another reconciliation needs to be done. Hurt runs deep. It sometimes requires several attempts to get to the bottom line – complete forgiveness.

Again – it’s not easy. The deeper the hurt runs, the more forgiveness is required. It doesn’t always start in a nice place. The first time I realized I was compounded an immense offense against someone I prayed from my heart but through gritted teeth. God understood. It took more than several prayers for God to change my heart, but eventually, I meant what I was praying on every level. Every now and then however, I realize that there is still yet some unforgiveness that remains – a new revelation. I don’t feel guilty. I just apply Christ’s formula – the new math. It’s not always easy to understand, but practice makes perfect.

“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive and you will be forgiven,” Luke 6:37.

Total Forgiveness

There was a time when I was so overcome by bitterness and anger that I used to secretly pray to God, who I really didn’t understand at the time, that He would smite someone who was physically and emotionally abusive toward me. The bitterness and anger became a part of me. It took root inside me and began to grow. It was debilitating and had grown into something that was far greater than me. It was powerful. I had stomach problems, headaches, migraines, tremors, nightmares and those were just the physical side-effects that hatred had on me. In truth and retrospect, I imagine that the individual who was the focus of almost every waking moment of my days had no idea how deeply I felt and likely lost no sleep out of concern for me.

I’m sharing this today because I know too well the effects of anger and how they can strangle us, stunt our growth, and shorten our quality of life and expectancy. People, life is just too short to waste it!

Francis Frangipane once said, “Bitterness is unfulfilled revenge.” In His warning against refusing God, Jesus said, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; with out holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many,” (Heb. 12:14-15).

There were two reasons I had to find a way to let go of the bitter root: my unforgiveness was killing me inside and, it was separating me from God. In Luke 7:47 Jesus said, “But he who has been forgiven little loves little.” In Matthew 6:15 He also said, “But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

If we don’t forgive, we’re not forgiven. If we don’t forgive, Christ died in vain. The apostle Paul said of love, “it keeps no records of wrongs...Love does not delight in evil,” (1 Cor. 13:5-6). You’re probably thinking, wow, that’s a shift. It was. It’s not easy. When the need to be right and the need to avenge exceeds the desire to be free we are in some pretty intense emotional bondage. The only way to freedom is through Jesus, “who the Son sets free is free indeed,” (John 8:36). The most excellent way is love. Love conquers all. Love never fails.

Can you forgive the mother who abandoned you, or the father who abused you? Can you forgive the spouse who broke the promise they kept to be faithful and love you until death? Can you forgive the daughter who came home pregnant and shamed the family name when she showed up at church with a bump in her belly and no ring on her finger? Can you forgive the friend who says they’ll call and never does? Can you forgive yourself for all the promises you made to God and broke, for your sexual promiscuity; for not finishing school, or for the two months you robbed from your children while you cleaned up in rehab? There is a way – only one way.

God’s provision is total forgiveness for yesterday, today and tomorrow.

The Green-eyed Monsters

Let’s say you’ve had your eye on a new car. You’ve been saving and dreaming and waiting to make one last payment on your clunker. You’ve been hanging around dealerships – you know – being a playa – making sure they know your face so that when you’re ready to make the move it’ll be all good. You’ve been telling anyone who’d listen about your dreams for the last six months. Yes!

You’re cleaning up the supper dishes and hear a horn outside. You look out the kitchen window and your best friend is getting out of a brand new Hummer. Do you feel it? “Look what I just bought,” she says as she rattles the keys in your face. “Come on I’ll take you for a spin!” Oh, things are spinning alright – head, stomach and the green eyes rolling into the back of your head. She didn’t need a new car. Her car is only two years old. She’s still paying for her last pair of Jimmie Choo’s; she can’t afford a car. She can’t even drive a stick! She doesn’t even tithe. Wow! Okay, maybe that’s never happened to you.

I spent some time in therapy where I was taught about the difference between jealousy and envy. While I’ve never seen much of a distinction in the dictionary, I kind of like the definitions I learned in rehab. Jealousy is the emotion that is produced when another person gets something I wish I had. Envy is the emotion that is produced when another person gets something I think I should have and I don’t think they deserve it.

I don’t often use the word hate so, when I do, I really mean it. I hate jealousy and envy whether they’re the same thing or not. People who exhibit these traits are usually very ugly to be around. Is it normal to want things? Of course it is. Is it wrong? No. What annoys me are people who are so busy wanting and believing they deserve something and others don’t. What are we saying about God’s provision for us when we prefer what others have over what we have? How are we being loving to others when we inwardly desire what someone else has been given while believing that we are more deserving? Are we really more deserving with those attitudes of covetousness?

Envy and jealousy cause division. They are the evil that become a bitter root. They grow in darkness because we hide them. We hide them because we know how very ugly they are. They do not love. Proverbs 6:16-19 says that there are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to Him. When we read this list, it is clear that several of the things He hates are direct results of envy and jealousy.

There is an antidote; a genuine spirit of gratitude for our blessings, circumstances and gifts, and a giving heart, cures all envy and jealousy - and love covers over a multitude of wrongs.