Unveiling Hope

Guilt, Fear and Promises

My grandmother was a wonderful, God fearing woman. I lived with her for some time. She was the only person in my life who told me that she loved me and nothing would ever change that. When my parents weren’t around she would take me to church – something they would have never approved of. She had significant influence over my life and my beliefs.

Every morning, Grandma would make herself a cup of tea and place two sugar covered mint leaves on the saucer beneath her cup. She had a tiny silver spoon that jingled as she stirred the milk into her tea. She’d take a sip and give me one of the mint leaves. I loved that spoon. The only time she used it was in the morning when she sat with me. It was shiny and special. One morning I pilfered it and hid it inside a napkin and placed it under my pillow.

That night, Grandma was getting ready to tuck me in. I had been feeling guilty all day. I loved her so much but I really wanted that spoon – something to remind me of her when she wasn’t with me – it was like a little piece of her. I knew she was upstairs waiting to tuck me in and my fear that she had found the spoon under my pillow made me queasy. I didn’t want to disappoint the only person I was sure loved me. Gran sat on the side of my bed and pulled the covers back while I got in. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and began walking away. I couldn’t let her walk away but I was afraid to face her. “Grandma,” I called out as I took the spoon from under my pillow, “remember you said you’d always love me, no matter what? I took your spoon.” I stood on the promise she had made to love me no matter what and faced my fear because of my guilt.

Jacob had a similar experience. He had stolen his brother’s blessing, but Jacob didn’t hang around to face the music - he high-tailed it out of town. Years later he heard that Esau and his posse of 400 were on their way towards Jacob and his family. Guilt and fear abounded. Jacob sent his men ahead with a peace offering but the fear didn’t subside - the fear for himself and his family. So what did he do? He did what he knew best to do – he prayed. He prayed to God. He wrestled with Him until he was blessed and he stood on the promises God had made him. He walked behind God to meet his brother and was met with an embrace.

Not everyone we’ve hurt will embrace us when our paths cross; reconciliation does not always bring about restoration, but one thing is sure, if we ask Him, God will go before us. We can always stand on the promises of God.

The Scarlet Letter

My eldest son was 5 years old when I discovered his first attempt at a cover-up. I had just finished cutting up vegetables to make with dinner and opened the cupboard beneath the kitchen sink to dispose of the cuttings in the trash. I saw his lunch bag in the garbage. I picked it up; his sandwich was still wrapped in saran wrap, not a bite missing.

He was playing with his toys in the living room. “Honey, did you eat your lunch today?” “Yeah,” he called back. “Are you sure?” “Yeah,” he answered. I began to think, does this child think I’m crazy and I won’t notice his lunch bag on the top of the trash? I began pondering the situation. Should I be pleased that he wasn’t sneaky enough to consider dropping it in the trash at school or even burying it beneath other trash in our kitchen? I had to address the situation, if not for the cover-up at least to make sure that he was being nourished.

I called him into the kitchen. He had no clue why I called him in there. Had I not given birth to him myself I would have wondered if he was really mine. “Is that your lunch?” He looked inside the garbage and looked up at me without blinking and said, “No.” “Are you telling me the truth? Because it’s important for little boys to each their lunches or they might get a tummy ache.” He drew a deep breath, prepared to stick to his story, and added, “Well, if I was that little boy I’d tell my mom I don’t like bologna sandwiches anymore, but I ate all my lunch.” And off he went. I decided to let him save face.

What I still can’t get over to this very day is the fact that once he threw it out, even though it was in plain view, to him it was forever gone as if it never existed. Would there have been a point to brand him with an LD  (lunch dumper) on his t-shirts similar to the large red “A” used to punish and humiliate Hester Prynne in A Scarlett Letter? I hardly think that approach would have done either of us any good and it certainly would not have accomplished what grace ended up producing. The legalistic approach would have laid a foundation for guilt and I didn’t want to encourage him to become more adept in his deception.

As adults, many of us often give this unmerited favour to children without a second thought. I have to confess that I have been guilty of not always extending this same grace to other adults. I think, as adults, we sometimes think everyone should be held to the same standards. The truth is, we are not all from the same place and we’re not all in the same place but we’re all supposed to end up in the same place. No one can get there alone, or on their own merit.

Hester Prynne ended up putting the scarlet letter back on. We don’t have to. Our letters have been permanently removed, as if they never existed. It seems only right that we clothe others in the same grace that covers us rather than clothing them with a scarlet letter.

Facing the Giant

Every human being, at some point in their life, will have to face a giant. Some of us will have to face more than one at a time. The worse giant anyone could ever have to face is giving up hope. The loss of hope is surrender on the battle field.

The Israelites faced the Philistines for 40 days. Every day, and every evening, that beastly giant Goliath came out and taunted them, he frightened them by his very size and arrogance. He persisted until they had lost hope. Even the valiant King Saul stood on the sidelines. Israel had all but raised the flag of surrender; their hope was lost.

In his youth, David had the answer; David had a fearless faith in the power of God. David looked upon the battlefield as fertile ground for God to manifest His glory. David ran toward Goliath with the very attitude that made him a man after God’s own heart. He had seen the hopelessness that had impaled Israel’s soldiers to ground.

What made him so sure that God would win the battle for him? He had a relationship with God – the intimate kind of relationship that doesn’t merely sustain faith and hope – the kind of intimacy that grows faith and hope. There would be no facing this giant alone. He knew that as he ran toward Goliath that the God of Israel had already gone ahead of him to secure the victory.

The size of the battle should not invoke fear. Wherever we are in the battle, whether it’s hidden in a foxhole or standing in the middle of the battlefield, God is waiting for us on the other side. God fights for us from victory; our hope is in Him alone.

‘David said to the Philistine, "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the LORD Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the LORD will hand you over to me, and I'll strike you down and cut off your head. Today I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds of the air and the beasts of the earth, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD's, and he will give all of you into our hands."’ 1 Sam 17:45-47.

Approaching the King

An audience before royalty involves protocol. In the Book of Esther, we read of King Xerxes, “When he saw Queen Esther standing in the court, he was pleased with her and held out to her the gold scepter that was in his hand. So Esther approached and touched the tip of the scepter. Then the king asked, ‘what is it, Queen Esther? What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be given you.’” Esther 5:2-3.

The Old Testament speaks addresses the protocol required when approaching the Tabernacle. In fact, not just anyone could approach, regardless of their status or position in life. Only the priests were permitted entrance to the Tabernacle and even then, they had a set of regulations that had to be followed prior to their entrance. Even at that, only the High Priest could enter the Most Holy Place. There was no scepter. There was no chance God was going to allow anyone to approach without following His protocol, that’s how Holy He is.

The fact that God is Holy hasn’t changed. Because He is Perfect and Righteous and Just, He cannot break protocol. He still has to be revered as Holy; He cannot be in the presence of ungodliness. But imagine a King who loves and longs for intimacy with His love that He does what only He can do to make sure that access to Him is always available; Jesus is the Scepter that God holds out to us, the Scepter that cleanses us in order to permit us limitless – infinite – access to the King who offers more than half His Kingdom, He offers Himself.

“Who is he, this King of glory? The LORD Almighty – he is the King of glory. Selah,” Psalm 24:10.

I'd Rather Fight than Switch

You’ve heard, no doubt, people use the phrase “I’m a survivor.” There was a period of time in my life when that’s how I thought of myself, a survivor. Many people define a survivor as an individual who lives through adverse circumstances. Yes, I was a survivor for years. I don’t necessarily count that as a good thing however. When I think how I lived through various situations, I have to admit that it wasn’t really living at all – it was more like hanging on by the skin of my teeth – there no “quality” of life; I wasn’t really living.

When a fighter can’t stick it out to the end of the fight his trainer throws in the towel. Throwing in the towel signifies that he has conceded – given up. He’s going to “survive” the fight (which of course is good), but he’s definitely not going to win; he forfeited his chances when the towel hit the mat. He fought toward victory and didn’t just lose the fight, he lost hope; he survived.

A champion, a prize fighter - a warrior – however fights from a different perspective. He’s got the belt. He’s got the title. He fights from a place of victory. The champ may one day meet his match; he may even lose the belt, but every fight – from the moment he took inherited his title – is fought from victory. Case in point: Mohammad Ali – people still refer to him as the champ, “The greatest.”

Today, I’m not a survivor. Today I’m a thriver. Today, I fight my battles from a place of victory – the victory I have in Jesus. The enemy meets me on the mat and tempts me to throw in the towel; he tries to convince me that I’m a loser, that I should switch teams. I’d rather fight than switch. Today, I’m a warrior; I am a champ. I have inherited a title: “Child of God.”

“But thanks be to God, Who in Christ always leads us in triumph [as trophies of Christ's victory] and through us spreads and makes evident the fragrance of the knowledge of God everywhere,” 2 Cor. 2:14 AMP.

Still Under Warranty

My car is two years old. In the past 7 months, I’ve returned to the dealership three times because every time I go over a speed bump or turn left I hear this crunching noise. It’s the same old story. “We fixed it.”

I thought “fixed” meant “forget about it, this won’t be an issue any longer.” Alas, how wrong was my thinking? Aside from the inconvenience however, I feel rather fortunate. My car is still under warranty.

Things appear to be not much different in my spiritual life. Just when I think God has dealt with an issue in my life – it pops up again and again, just on another, deeper level. “Is she actually comparing God’s work to an auto service shop?” you may be asking yourself. Well, yes, kind of.

Until recently, I thought that when God “fixed” something in me that it was permanent. Don’t distress if you’re going through the same thing or having similar thoughts. What God has fixed – the change He’s made in me – is permanent . . . to the extent, or level, that He addressed the problem.

I drive a 2007 Aveo. Every year, they come out with a newer and better model; they see what “issues” have been coming up with the previous years models and address those issues, but guess what? That doesn’t mean they’ll ever produce a perfect model.

God prioritizes what needs attention first. Sometimes, He needs me back in the shop – I’m an older model, you know. He started by fixing one thing, like putting the brakes on some of my bad habits and attitudes. Some of those things ran pretty deep. He knew I wasn’t ready for an overhaul. He knows what’s best and His timing is perfect. As far as He’s concerned, I’m permanently under warranty.

"This is the way God works. Over and over again He pulls our souls back from certain destruction so we'll see the light—and live in the light!” Job 33:29 MSG.

Not Guilty!

I wonder if, on the day she and her husband were banned from the Garden, Eve blamed herself for the whole mess. I wonder: did she walk around with guilt for the rest of her days? Did she labour in the weeds and soil, beneath the hot sun, thinking “I bet Adam is still blaming me for this!” When Cain and Abel were young boys, did she tell them about that day, or did she bury the memory away with her hopes and dreams? Did she long to tell them about the long walks she and Adam used to take with God in the cool of the evening?

And, what about Adam? He, at first, blamed Eve, but I wonder if he ever took his share of responsibility or if he harboured resentment toward her. Well, they did have children so they must have eventually made up … or pretended to. I wonder though, did Adam would have spent his days feeling guilty, feeling as if he had ruined his life and the lives of Eve and his children? Did he ever think to himself, “Why didn’t I do the right thing!?”?

Did either of them, as parents, ever feel responsible for their poor choices; did they ever pause to reflect upon the kind of lives their children could have lived, if they hadn’t been banished? And, if they did – did they dwell on it? Did they lived under the indictment of guilt? More pertinent perhaps is the question: why would any one of us live under the yoke of our past poor choices?

I’ve done it; I do it. I try not to. It seems that sometimes it’s just more powerful than I. I allow it. I know that the Good News is: I don’t have to live in guilt or shame because of sin anymore – perhaps the serpent that speaks to me has convinced me that the price for my sin will never be paid.

The truth is: God did not banish them because He no longer loved them, it is for that reason He spared them. He gave them life – albeit not an easy life - but I don’t think He ever expected, nor wanted, them to re-live or live in the past. As a loving Parent, God allowed them to suffer the consequences of their actions. Adam and Eve learned their parenting skills from Him. They allowed Cain to make his own decisions. He was raised in the same household as Abel. It all came down to three things in the end: 1) the children were raised with love; 2) the children were permitted to make their own decisions; 3) Adam and Eve (as far as we know) made no attempts to avert the consequences of Cain’s decisions.

The fact is: my sin has already been paid for – in full. I have been found NOT GUILTY. Now all I have to do is to live in that verdict and allow my children to do the same.

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.” Col. 1:13-14.

In Deed

From May 2007 until May 2009, someone I love very much was in a pit so deep that there were times – long periods of time – when he had no vision of being rescued. From his perspective, although he appreciated the support, it mattered little in the thick of the quagmire how many people were routing for him.

He had begun to question his very foundation; was it built on Rock or sand? Doubt was beginning to drown him and guilt, fuelled by the doubt, was the anchor pulling him down. How easy it is to tell someone to “have faith.” The truth is, unless we are going through the exact thing at the exact time, and under the exact circumstances, we can only begin to imagine what someone is living through.

What could I do? What can any of us do for others on our own? The only thing I could do was pray. And while I know that God heard my prayers – I also knew that when two or more are gathered, there He is. I began asking for others to lift him up in prayer without divulging personal and intimate details. Groups of people began praying for him; some he knew of – others he did not.

On September 21st, 2008 – someone spoke into this life – someone spoke life into this situation. A brother had a vision of the Lord reaching down into that pit and leading him into a bright future.

James (2:14-17) wrote that faith without deeds is dead. Believing that God can and wants to change a situation is faith. Uniting with others in prayer is a deed; giving encouraging words is a deed. Faith indeed. Faith in deed.

God is Great. God is Faithful. God deserves all glory; He did reach into that pit. He did pull out one that I love. He did give him a vision and is leading him into a bright future. God deserves all the glory.

“And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.” John 14:13-14.

Hallelujah, Lord. To you be all the glory.

HALT!

H.A.L.T. is an acronym I learned in rehab. It stands for “hungry, angry, lonely, tired.” People in recovery are often taught that these four roots are the major causes of relapse. It’s been my experience that these roots are not limited to causing problems for people in recovery.

My biggest cause for concern was always anger. Growing up we were permitted to display only one emotion: happiness. Our happiness was to be demonstrated and not heard. As a result of formidable instruction in this area, the recognition and identification of other emotions became quite difficult.

If I saw someone smile at me, I could relax. A loud voice, I’m not talking about yelling, could induce visceral feelings of fear in me – that’s about as far as I could discern. The fear was: what’s coming next?

My mission in life became pleasing people, “making” them happy – because happy was something I could identify and feel safe with. Not long after rehab, with no more chemicals to numb and subdue my emotions, I began to have these strange and perplexing emotions. One in particular can be described this way: increased respiratory function; increase in blood pressure, tightness across chest, nausea accompanied with bodily tremors – particularly in the gastro-intestinal area. My doctor diagnosed this as ‘anger’. Wow! That’s pretty powerful. How do you get rid of it? “Report, respond, release, reconcile where possible.” Hmm. Sounds complicated and difficult.

After rehab, it didn’t take me long to realize that there was a lot of ‘stuff’ that gave birth to anger inside me. I did not like the physical or emotional symptoms. Quite frankly, it took me almost ten years of sobriety before I got a handle on this beast – and honestly – it had nothing to do with sobriety. I was able to let go of anger, as it came up, when I surrendered my life to Jesus.

Ephesians 4: 26-27 says this: “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.” That really struck me as odd that Paul would write, “be angry.” What he was conveying was God’s message: go ahead and feel, but feel without sinning. Deal with it immediately. Don’t go to bed stewing. Don’t lose sleep because of it. Don’t wake up with it. The enemy is waiting and watching to see whether if you’re going to walk in love, or if he can induce you to sin.

If anyone ever had a reason to be angry it was Jesus. From the cross He gazed upon all those whose ignorance put Him there. Yes, it was His choice to accept it but He did it out of love. Jesus asked His Father to forgive them. 

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you." Ephesians 4:32.

All Day Long

How do we become impatient? Is it something we learn, or does it come naturally? Why are some people so easy going and others not? Can we change?

When I was a young newlywed, before ATM’s were invented, people received paycheques made of paper. They had to stand in line at the bank to take care of business. Living in a city of primarily government workers meant that every second Friday those line-ups were … well … imagine a day of free coffee at St. Arbucks … yup … those were the good ole days.

On one of these fine Friday evenings my husband was waiting in the comfort of the car listening to the radio while I stood in a line that serpentined from the foyer to the counter. About 20 minutes into my wait the sound of a blaring horn caught the attention of all the customers. The driver kept honking and honking until, his impatience got to the better of him, and he simply left his hand on the horn. I was married to that driver. He was yelling and gesturing at me from inside the car. What could I do but turn red and hope no one would see me get in the car with him some 45 minutes later.

Some friends and I were talking about waiting on God – waiting to hear from Him concerning various issues. None of us doubted, for a moment, that He would answer, the question was: when? That Friday evening of decades gone by popped into my head and I started to laugh.

I wonder if, in all my impatience, I ever look like that driver to God. I wonder if He ever questions why I can wait in line at Starbucks for a latte I can never finish, and don’t really need, but I can’t seem to wait on Him. I can be like a screaming child who’s missed a feeding – answer me, answer me now! All the while – I know – I KNOW – that He answers. He answers and provides in His perfect timing and sometimes that means I need to wait. That should be enough, shouldn’t it? Honk, honk.

“Make me to know your ways, O LORD; teach me your paths. Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation; for you I wait all the day long.” A Psalm of David 25:4-5 ESV.