Unveiling Hope

Practicing Peace

 

Many years ago, when I first began my career, a significant person in my life recommended that I stop chewing my nails. “You don’t want people to think you’re not in control – that you don’t have it ‘all together’” he said. I embarked on a philosophy of “fake it until you make it.” I walked around with a mask on – pretending I was someone I wasn’t – letting others see only who I wanted them to think I was – someone I was not. That was in my BC days.

When I was born again, I read Matthew 6:34, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” Through the practice of risk taking, I learned to be me and to let others get to know the real me, warts and all. I’m still practicing.

Worrying comes as naturally to me as breathing. Somewhere inside me – a place I don’t quite understand – there’s this belief that I can control my surroundings, circumstances, and other people. It’s when I find myself dwelling there that I realize that those beliefs are fallacies. I censure myself for doing what comes naturally because it’s a contradiction of Truth.

Worry is defined as a feeling of anxiety, trouble, or mistrust. When I worry, I’m expressing a lack of confidence in Jehovah Jireh, my Provider. He knows my needs before I can identify them myself. He cares about fulfilling them. His timing is perfect. He has shown me this time and time again and yet . . . Opportunities abound for me to practice trusting in Him and placing my full confidence in my Father who loves me and cares about every detail of my life.

Each opportunity He places before me brings me one step closer, in less time than the previous time, to surrender my worry and make mine what He offers - peace.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid,” John 14:27.

Before the ATM

Surely some of you remember life before the ATM, before the days of direct deposit, and Interac?

I have an aversion to standing in lines; I was reminded why last week. My memory bank rolled back to 1979. It was a Friday afternoon and I was going to deposit my pay before officially starting the weekend. An individual, who will remain anonymous, was waiting for me in the car while I waited in line, and waited, and waited. Suddenly, a commotion – the noise of a car horn blasting turned the heads of EVERYONE in line. It continued. I turned around and sure enough it was the person waiting for me. We locked eyes while his arms flailed around between the intermittent blasts of the horn. “HURRY UP!” were the words mouthed as the horn continued.

You might as well have painted me red; I couldn’t have stood out more than I did. Everyone could see it was me that horn was meant for. Oh, I could have left without doing my banking but if I had the blaring sound of a horn would have been a welcomed pleasure by comparison to what was in store for me. Ever since that day, I detest waiting in lines – not so much because I’m impatient – mostly because that haunting memory left an impression on me.

The other day I was waiting in line at the ATM – an infrequent occurrence. Instead of getting all tense, I started giggling to myself. We’ve all heard stories and jokes about what it will be like when we “check into” Heaven . . . you know . . . waiting in line at the Pearly Gate, making sure St. Peter has our room reserved. I began wondering, will anyone lose it in line? Will there be cut-ins? Will tempers flare? Will the sound of deep sighing fill the air? Will St. Peter have to call for backup if someone isn’t pleased with their new accommodations? I seriously doubt it.

Then it dawned on me. Shouldn’t I be waiting in line as if I’m waiting to check in to Heaven? Now that is something I’ll definitely have to consider the next time I find myself standing at the tail end of a line that seems to be going nowhere.

“And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him,” Col. 3:17

Collateral Damage

For a numbers of years intelligence gathering has been the foundation of my career. A case can be made or broken based on information gathered. Evaluating the information is critical. The source of the information, and motives behind the provision of this information, must be considered prior to contemplating its use. During an investigation, sharing intelligence with a client is done on a need to know basis. Let me explain why. Let’s say that Jeff is one of three suspects in an embezzlement case. During the investigation information comes to light that details a previous enquiry into his finances, specifically – he had been suspected of cheating on his taxes, and he had also declared bankruptcy for which he is currently discharged.

If this information has been shared with his employer, and it turns out that Jeff is no longer a suspect, what will his employer think of Jeff from that point on? If there is ever a theft in the office, or another case of embezzlement, will Jeff be suspected just because his boss had “the goods” on him? Jeff will be an inadvertent casualty of a sloppy investigation? Discretion and working only with facts pertinent to the case at hand are of utmost importance to any investigator.

Recently, I was made privy to some sensitive information that had not been officially released. Last week, during a meeting, I realized that this information had been leaked. One of the members of this meeting was only too willing to share, “the real story.” The other members in attendance had no previous knowledge. Eyes and ears were attuned. I began to say that this information was confidential and not yet released. Before I could finish my sentence, this individual had begun to share the real story.

I must have looked like a complete idiot because I covered my ears and said, “I don’t want to hear this.” They stopped speaking and all the attention focussed on me with my hands still covering my ears. I removed them and said, “I don’t want my opinion about this person, or the organization, to be tainted.” But it was too late; the collateral damage had been done. Not because I heard the “story” – I hadn’t. I had stopped it just in time. The gossip was the direct hit; the innuendo was the collateral damage that stuck to everyone in the room. What bothers me most is that I was surrounded by Christians who seemed offended by the covering of my ears and my bold statement.

Once a word is spoken, it cannot be unspoken – just as a thought can’t be unthought - but a thoughtless word that’s spoken leaves the one who heard it broken.

“The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give an account on the day of judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned,” Matt. 12:35-37.

Odd Woman Out

No worries, the blush hasn't faded from the flower already. I'm still loving the job. That being said, I learned something worthy of sharing. Yesterday afternoon I was required to attend a meeting in a rather large boardroom – a rather large boardroom with rather large chairs. I was the only woman present – the “odd woman out,” or in, if you will. I took my place; my feet didn’t touch the floor. The gentleman sitting beside me kindly brought to my attention that I could raise the chair. However, in doing so, the table would have brought more attention to the fact that I didn’t “fit.” I wanted to runaway and hide.

Hmm. Didn’t fit. There’s just a little more to this story. I’m going through a learning curve. I’ve moved from a job where I felt comfortable and competent into an arena where I have much to learn and find myself feeling somewhat inept. I wanted to runaway and hide. I wanted to go back to my old job. I wanted to give up .... already!

Given the situation, not fitting into the chair had a bit more of an impact on my psyche than I care to admit, (gee I hate that pride thing). Almost immediately after the chair incident, I temporarily lost my confidence – in myself - and my faith that God would work everything out for the best. Intellectually, I understood and understand that He has a purpose; my attitude determines how well that purpose is fulfilled.

I know that this move was a God thing. I’ve been concentrating on all the work He’s been doing in me and through me. I must confess – it’s not been effortless. Change is very difficult for me, but I know that He is doing transforming work and so, once again, I surrendered my reluctance to do what I believe He wanted me to do.

So, how did I get through it? I prayed and thanked Him for the opportunity to do His will. I asked for strength and comfort. I laughed at myself and then reminded myself that it’s not about me, and everything worked out.

“Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise,” Heb. 10:35-36.

I Got Schmucked Again!

My friend Heidi tagged me again. OY! I'm supposed to write my memoir in 6 words. Are you kidding me? I'm a girl! I can't say Hello in less than 8 words.

So, here goes.

Stop using the words "comfort zone!" God spoke those words to me last year. It seems that they are now the theme of my life and likely will be until I meet Jesus in the clouds. Would I rather be on that little island, by myself, sometimes - you bet! When God speaks, I know that it behooves me to listen. Father knows best!

And now, I tag:

Joseph

Cindy

Doug

Theresa

and that sounds like 6 where I come from.

I'm All Ears

Several weeks ago I was asked to consider taking a new position. I knew that the position would be challenging and I would be good at it but I declined. Within minutes, I was asked to take some time to deliberate. I gave good reasons why I wasn’t interested and refused the offer, putting it out of my thoughts.

Last week I was asked if I had given any thought to the matter. Surprised by the question, I enquired as to whether I had been ambiguous in my original answer.

I drove home that evening wondering if this “opportunity” is part of God’s plan for me. So, I talked to Him about it. “If this is something from You let me know and I’ll do it. If it’s not please close this door.”

This door doesn’t seem to be latching. It’s been on my mind. Seriously, I am not interested at all and here’s why: this is a job that is going to place me in a position where I will be doing nothing but process design and implementing very unpopular changes. On a daily basis, I would be seen as a drill sergeant. People don’t embrace change, especially the kind of change I’d be introducing. Frankly, the thought of getting up every morning and doing this kind of work for 8 hours a day is something that would mess with my contentedness. What is really bothersome is the fact that I would have very limited prospects for being salt and light, and I think that surely I would feel without purpose. I’m afraid I’m going to turn crusty if I take this job.

Someone told me today that God can use me anywhere. Of course He can, but He has a plan and that’s the plan I want to follow. The pressure is on and I feel myself slipping into a people pleasing situation because, as time goes on, the need for someone to do the work becomes more urgent.

Am I listening hard enough? I know God cares about the details of our lives but is it possible that He really has no opinion on this, and He’s just waiting for me to decide on my own? I know He also speaks through others, so feel free ... I’m all ears.

Convicted!

On Saturday evening my son and I were waiting in line at a restaurant take-out. It was jam packed. There was a man, who didn’t look happy about being there, talking to his wife on his cell phone. “But I already placed the order and there’s a long line-up; I’ve already been here for 20 minutes.” He ended the call rather abruptly.

An older gentleman was standing close by, “Need to change your order, do ya?” The other man responded, “Yeah. You know what they say, ‘life is short but marriage is long,’.”

I heard that comment along with several other people. I think I was probably the only one who didn’t find it funny. When leaving the restaurant, my son mentioned that he rather likes overhearing the different conversations people have. Big mistake – I had my own comments to make about that one in particular. My son gave me this confused look and said, “You’re judging him, aren’t you?”

I was charged and convicted before making an appearance in court. My son was right. I had stood in judgement. I was slighted by that man’s. It reminded me of similar comments my former husband used to make. I thought I had forgiven him completely. It was clear that I hadn’t. I had committed a felony offence – two in fact.

I was arraigned on Sunday morning. The charges: one count each of judgment and unforgiveness in the second degree. I plead guilty because I knew I was. I threw myself on the mercy of the Court. I was asked to allocute.

“Your Honour, I admit that I was wrong in judging this man. I admit that I still had unforgiveness in my heart, although I was unaware of it, it is no excuse. As I judged this man, I know that You have every right to hold me accountable and judge me.”

The Judge spoke: “I find the defendant guilty on all counts. However, her sentence has already been served; My Only Son – her Advocate – has already served it. It is this court’s ruling that an absolute discharge be granted.”

I know that I will likely end up in the same Court, before for the same Judge, time and time again. But the fact that my record has been purged means that every time I find myself before His bench, He remembers not my past.

“For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us,” Psalm 103:11-12.

Caught in the Act

My wonderful pastor, Jason Boucher, is doing a series about confessions this week. Yesterday’s post was about comparisons. While I know as a Christian the only one I should ever compare myself to is Jesus, I fall short in that department far too often. It’s much easier to compare myself, (let’s face it, I’m going to do it), to someone who is literally walking in the flesh – another human being. There is something truly enriching about doing life with people who have the courage to be transparent; my pastor and his beautiful wife, Lori, are two people who have that courage.

While it might sound strange, I rarely dare to compare my spiritual walk to others. I know I’d never make the mark anyway. However, listening to someone I love and respect share their confessions or vulnerabilities speaks to my heart. I am inspired by people who aren’t always performing to an audience – you know – pretending they’ve got everything under control all the time, or acting as if they have no struggles with sin, or temptation, in their lives. I think living authentically is the greatest approach to leadership. Pretending to be perfect only inspires others to be deceitful or secretive; people usually want to follow a leader that they can learn from.

As a follower of Christ, my ministry is to lead others to Him so I can’t expect others to behave or believe what I don’t do or think myself. After reading Pastor Jason’s blog yesterday I realized that not only did I do a reverse comparison yesterday at work, but I also tried to cover it up in order to hide my insecurity thus requiring a full confession afterward.

I was comforting a friend of mine yesterday who was feeling somewhat insecure. She is beautiful. Even greater than her obvious external beauty is the beauty that radiates from within her. “If only you could see what everyone else sees. What hinders you from realizing what a beautiful woman you are? Why can’t you believe what I’m telling you?”What may not be obvious is the fact that I was insinuating that I am able to see my own internal beauty. It was kind of one of those ‘take my advice, I’m not using it’ moments.

In my arrogance I was essentially telling her that she should be like me – compare herself to me – as if I’ve got this insecurity thing down pat. OY! Did that get a look. I knew what that look meant the moment I saw it. I had been caught in the act.

If there is anything worse than comparing myself to someone else it must be comparing them to me; adding insult to injury would be my flagrant hypocrisy. I confess that in my insecurity I am also arrogant.

Allow me to express a positive side to this confession. Hey! I’m gonna find one! I’ve learned two valuable lessons: 1) speak less; 2) if I must compare, I will compare apples with apples and oranges with oranges.

UnSuper Glued

Struggles – everyone has at least one. When a struggle becomes something that wears us down and revisits us, like a disease coming out of remission, it becomes like super glue. It becomes a bonding agent, or an agent of bondage.

I know I’m really in trouble when I become so ashamed of my recurring struggles that I try to hide them. I should be over that by now! I dealt with this! People are going to start to think I have no faith! It is in my attempt to hide or cover-up my struggles that the danger of them becoming secret struggles arises.

A few days before returning to work twelve years ago, I asked my boss what I should tell people who ask me where I’ve been for the last little while. “Tell them the truth,” he said. So, I did. To anyone who asked me where I had been I responded, “I was in rehab for drug addiction.”

In being honest, I removed the insidious power of this bondage in my life. I couldn’t believe how many people told me that they had been touched, in some way or other, by my honesty. I became unSuper Glued from the bondage of my secret struggle by putting it out there.

Jodie is a fellow blogger, or should I say blogette? She is doing some research on women’s struggles and has requested assistance. I’d never ask anyone to do anything I’m not prepared to do myself, so I’m listing my top ten struggles. I have no doubt, once I put them “out there” that God will begin to do further healing in these areas. He’ll do the same for you. If you're up to the challenge, follow this link to help Jodie and yourself, and please include your age. Okay – I’m 48 – but I’m not telling you how much I weigh.

My Top Ten Struggles, in no particular order:

1. Having grace and mercy abounding for others, but not myself.

2. Believing that I am truly lovable to others, and sometimes even God.

3. Seeing the beauty of Christ in me.

4. Being still with God; I can write to Him as if speaking but these last ten months,

      I can barely utter a word to Him.

5. Being a single mom; it's hard being the one who is always responsible for everything.

6. Struggling with the root of addiction; if it's not one thing it seems to be another.

7. Pride.

8. Believing that I really have something to contribute.

9. Poor body image.

10. Socializing with more than one person at a time. I'm shy and insecure (pride again).

The Voice of Truth

If you’re like me, and I hope you’re not, you talk to yourself a lot. No - I don’t mean that under-your- breath kind of mutter – the kind where people can hear you and might think you’re a little touched. I’m talking about that little, persistent, pestering voice – the one that continuously condemns every little thing you do, and how you did it. It’s the voice of the past replaying itself minute after minute, hour after hour, and day after day.

Whose voice is it that haunts you? Is it the voice of a teacher who said you’d never succeed at anything so you might as well give up, the voice of a parent who said you’d never measure up, or the voice of someone saying you weren’t good enough, thin enough, smart enough, talented enough?

I’ve had plenty of those voices in my past. Unfortunately, I listened to and believed every single word. That being said, there is no voice that speaks louder than the one inside my own head. No one has ever done a better job of being as hard on me as I have on myself.

You would think that the solution is easy enough, especially if you know and believe what the Bible says about who we are. Head knowledge, like an onion, has layers. It is only when God reveals a mystery to us that knowledge becomes understanding and together they become power. He is strongest in our weakness. We have first to learn to embrace the stratum; we cannot have a breakthrough if there is nothing to break through.

When everything feels as if we’ve hit a wall or fallen to rock bottom we can rely on what we know and cling to it, no matter what we experience. What we know is “that for those who loves God all things work together for good, for those he has called according to his purpose,” (Rom. 8:28). Though it may not seem that any good can come from our situation, it can and it will.

The problem, in my case at least, is that I try to figure things out myself; I try to fix things in my own strength. I talk to myself and end up replaying all the old messages of days gone by. When I depend on what His Word says, and forget about everything else, I am more apt to listen to His voice. Jesus truly abides in me therefore I must abide in Him. He said, “apart from me you can do nothing,” (John 15:5). Before He left, He promised that His Father would send us a Helper, a Comforter, a Teacher. The Spirit of God is the Voice of Truth. He is the voice of conviction not condemnation. God is for us, not against us.

It matters not how far we are in our walks, if the voice we listen to is not the Voice of Truth then it’s not good enough for us. The Voice of Truth must be the voice that speaks volumes into our lives.