Unveiling Hope

The Black Mamba in Me

This is a picture of the Black Mamba, or “Sir” as I would call him. Sir Mamba lives in Africa, is anywhere from 9-14 feet long, and can slither along at a pace of about 20 miles per hour. According to National Geographic, he is one of the deadliest snakes in the world. Although very timid, when he feels as if he’s been cornered, he strikes not once but several times, injecting his deadly venom that can kill within 20 minutes.

Yesterday was a tough day. Yesterday was a really tough day. By about 3 o’clock in the afternoon, I had come to the point where I felt as if I had been cornered all day long – as if someone was poking a stick at me to see how long I could keep my forked tongue in my mouth. Let me tell you, by then, it was definitely forked. I had spent the better part of the day with the revolting taste of venom swishing around inside my mouth. By the day’s end, my mouth was so full I was ready to spew. I was afraid I’d end up swallowing my tongue from biting it so much.

The good news is I didn’t spew. I choked it down. Almost all day long I kept calling on Jesus to strengthen me because I knew there was more going on than what I could see in the natural. So the “snake charmer” was almost able to overpower the snake. Although he was unsuccessful at his attempt to illicit the dance of anger, he was successful in provoking me. The fact that I didn’t bite was only by the grace of God. For that I am grateful because by that point, believe me, the bite would have been deadly. What really annoyed me was that I listened to the music in the first place.

I took my woes to God. I couldn’t be still enough to shake them. I brought them to my wonderful friend, and then took them back to God. What really upset me most was how disgusted I was by my reaction. I kept hearing the Scripture, “You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks,” Matt. 12:34.

I kept asking God, “What is at the root of all this, Lord? Why do I let these this brother’s attitude affect and infect me?” There is no emotion I detest more than anger. I have a great fear of losing control, forgetting who I am now. I questioned whether my mouth was the only thing filled with venom. I ask myself, am I one of the brood? Am I a viper? The truth is I didn’t want to let it out. I didn’t want to disappoint my Lord. I wanted to glorify Him.

Perhaps what is at the root of this anger isn’t something I need to over-analyze. It just might be that there were powers at work set to run me off my course. Colossians 3:10 says, “Put on your new nature, and be renewed as you learn to know your Creator and become like Him.”

Transformation is a continuous process. It happens slowly. Even a snake takes time to shed his skin.

Peeling the Onion

Have you ever thought you’d dealt with an issue only to have it come back to be dealt with from another layer or perspective? The cliché about the lessons we learn being like the many layers of an onion drives me around the bend. It’s that age old issue of dealing with perfectionism that keeps rearing its ugly head. You’d think that after a certain amount of time a person would come to the core of the onion and that would be the end of it.

I had some medical issues to deal with over the fall/winter – issues that meant I wasn’t healthy enough to work. I’ve faithfully served my employer for 24 years without using much of my sick leave credits. This time was difficult to take. I blogged about it in the earlier days of my absence. I felt that God was using this time to show me that I had too much of my self-worth wrapped up in performance issues. I had thought that the issue of perfectionism had long since been taken care of – only to find out that it was yet just another layer of the same issue.

On February 4^th, I returned to work albeit not full time and regular hours. This past Monday was supposed to be my first week back to a normal schedule. Back to the on-call list – back to being as if I had never left. I was looking forward to it. Last Wednesday, I caught a head cold which, by Friday, had moved into my chest. By Monday, fever had set in. I stood in front of the mirror telling myself – “You can do it! Suck it up!” But this other little voice kept saying, “Your cheeks are on fire! You’re sick! Be responsible and get back to bed.” After twenty minutes of sitting on the edge of my bed, stewardship over my health had won. I went to the clinic, found out I have bronchitis and was given a few horse pills to fight the infection. I spoke to my boss, who – by the way – was empathetic and understanding and told me to come back when I was better. “See you tomorrow!” I said confidently before hanging up the phone.

Tuesday rolled around. The fever was higher. I felt worse. I spent the same 20 minute ritual on the side of my bed before calling in. Am I crazy!!?? I know there is a bigger lesson to be learned here than stewardship over my health. What is this absurd notion I have that I’m a rotten employee because I get sick? I know I’m not going to get fired because I’m sick – so I can safely take that off the table. I’m not the only one in my office who reacts this way – so I doubt some of you may deal with this as well. There seems to be layer upon layer of issues surrounding this need to be a perfect mom, a perfect Christian, a perfect employee, a perfect friend...

Fundamentally, I have no doubt that anyone who really knows me knows that I am dedicated to everything I put my mind to - to everything and everyone that holds value to me. So, what is the lesson that I am clearly not understanding? How long am I going to have to keep on learning this lesson before I get it? What is it exactly that I don’t seem to understand? Why are the same old lessons coming up time after time? It’s obvious I must be missing the point.

Is there an onion issue in your life? Are there lessons that you keep having to learn, tests that you keep having to take?