God, are you listening?
Fear and tribulation have awakened me from our nocturnal tryst. Another day has dawned. Sadness clangs its cymbals urging me to rise - it reverberates hopelessness throughout the day. My heart is ripped open, laid bare, for what feels like a final viewing.
The constant trickle of tears erodes my faith. Pain has seared me. I search for something unknown to me - a need that seems unfulfilled. I am deaf to all - except he who torments me. I feel alone in my thoughts, trapped by fear. Even my mind detests me. Love hides and I seek, but it is elusive. I'm one of many yet I've never been so alone. What I know and what I feel clash - striving in different directions. My mind flutters about faster and faster - I cannot keep up. I must hang on - one more hour, perhaps minutes. But, as the sun sets so my hope is dashed. Maybe tomorrow? God? Maybe tomorrow? If I can just ...
Will I ever get through this? Will this grain of hope sustain me? Will these tears ever stop? Will the enemy of my thoughts relent? Will the ugliness of introspection sojourn in my bed forever? I can't hear you; God, are you listening? I am afraid you’ve left me.
My Love, I have loved you from the beginning. I hold your hand while you sleep and stroke your hair. The tears you cry stain my cheeks as they moisten your pillow. I have never left your side. Your cries to me ring through the heavens - your prayers brought to me, one at a time, on the wings of angels. I whisper in your ear, "Don't listen to the other voices." You can't hear me because you listen to the voice of your enemy with great travail. Why do you hold on to the very thing I am trying to remove from your life? Don't you know how much I love you? Let go. Let me. Please trust me. I can take that grain of hope and make a mountain of faith from it, but you must let go of what you're holding on to. Have I not yet shown you that I am trustworthy? Have you not yet understood that there is nothing you could ever do to make me love you less?
You think perhaps I've let you down - I don't listen - I don't hear your prayers. My precious child, if only you knew how I treasure your petitions and want to give you all you request - but I cannot always do that. I am a loving and faithful Father and I promised, from the day I knew you, that I would always do what is best for you. I have protected you from the unimaginable. I have saved you from unspeakable pain, pain that I did not even spare my Son from. The noise of this world is a lament for my love. The hole in your heart is a place that only I can fill. If only you would trust in me, I would give you the peace you need. I am more lonely for you in this very minute than you have ever been for anyone all the days of your life. Turn toward me. No one can love you as I do. Seek Me with all your heart. I'm listening; are you?
"The Lord is my helper; I will not fear, what can man do to me." Hebrews 13:6